Editor’s note: This week’s column is written by Maria’s friend and coworker, Anne Bramblett Barr.
While Maria has to go through more post-breast cancer reconstructive surgery, she has agreed, perhaps against her better judgment, to let me be her guest columnist this week.
You may remember me from some of Maria’s past columns. I’m the one who, after Maria’s third candy bar and fifth time complaining about her weight, rolled my eyes, slapped the chocolate out of her hand and demanded she come to Pilates with me.
I’m the one who ran alongside her during her first 5k race, where I tried to calm her down after she discovered her race number was odd, not even, and attempted to encourage her through lots of awkward thumbs-ups because she couldn’t hear a word I was saying over her blaring boy band music.
We kibitz all day at work and then text all night. And because she’s in bed convalescing for a week watching Real House Wives of Whatever City and reading back issues of her beloved People and Us Weekly (and therefore can’t do anything about it), I thought I’d give her readers a peek into some of my favorite text conversations. Here is Maria at her best—unfiltered, unapologetic and unabashed—as funny in real life as she comes across in her column.
Maria: (picture of her holding a half-eaten Krispy Kreme donut) Look at what you made me do
Anne: I hope it’s worth every sweet, sweet bite
Marie: I need to eat better. I’m a mess
Anne: You seem to be eating pretty well to me
Maria: Girl…ice cream in bed?
Anne: Psh. That’s not so bad. Calcium for your brittle bones!
Maria: I accidentally ate a Klondike bar tonight.
Anne: Don’t forget. I have a lunch meeting today
Maria: Don’t forget my doggy bag
Maria: (picture of a bowl of ice cream) It’s what’s for dinner.
Maria: Here’s a newsflash: I hate kale
Anne: How are you eating it??
Maria: With my mouth
Anne: Do you like key lime pie? Was thinking about making one tonight
Maria: The only lime I like is the one floating in my cranberry & vodka
After a night out:
Maria: Tip of the day: don’t vomit in a wicker wastebasket
Maria: (picture of her wearing a Wilkes-Barre Scranton Roller Radicals roller derby tank top) I feel uber-cool
Anne: OMG! So tough!
Maria: I really am
Anne: Gangsta M
Maria: That name would sound so much tougher if I wasn’t wearing my granny panties with my roller derby shirt
Anne: Granny M?
Maria: I’m warning you: I look like I am wearing the top half of a very, very bad bridesmaid’s dress today
Maria: I’m thinking the best thing to do as Anthony & I approach the empty nest is to let him have his little activities and me mine and just accept it
Anne: What can the two of you do together?
Maria: Watch Big Bang? Dateline? 48 Hours?
Anne: Well, I was thinking something more like an activity.
Maria: Watching TV is an activity, silly
Maria: Did I get you a little piece of milk glass that says “cream or sugar”?
Maria: Yes! I think it was a little milk carton that says “cream”! I am thrilled you love it so much you can’t remember it!
On popular culture:
Maria: Here’s what I’m sick of this week: Minions and Caitlyn Jenner
Maria: I just drove to the levees with my emergency brake on. How bad is that exactly? On a scale from 1-10
Anne: A 6. Why would you need to use it? You’re not parking on Mt Everest.
Maria: I don’t know! I always use it! Every time!
Anne: EMERGENCY brake!
Maria: Huh. And all these years…
Maria: I ran last night and I have the potential to be half paralyzed today
Anne: Why is there no wheelchair emoji????
Maria: I’m going to try to run now. If I don’t make it, tell my family I love them. Well, tell them I tolerate them.
Anne: I will pray for you.