Why am I so tired?
My job is enjoyable and stress-free. I get too much sleep and I’m eating better.
Well, I’m eating better candy.
Wait – I hear them now, wrestling and whooping and yelling: “Wanna tussle?”
The gift that keeps on giving.
Adult boys doing little boy things.
Something just smashed.
That would be my sanity being obliterated.
This is why I’m tired. Twenty-one months or 21 years old, they wear me out.
There are 32 days left until my ears stop ringing and my eye stops twitching.
A recent edition of my favorite crappy tabloid supplied me with a list of “fun” family things to do this summer; to make the remaining days less anxiety-ridden.
Someone must know I’m in need of a summer intervention. I was reading this magazine in the attic closet with a flashlight, hiding from the frenzied pack.
1. Go barefoot
Here’s a little known fact about me: my bare feet never hit the floor. It’s an idiosyncrasy (among many) that I’ve spent my life explaining to every roommate I’ve ever had, including my apparent life-long roommate, Nancy. I even wore flip flops in the dorm showers in college. Can you blame me? You don’t want to know what a DNA swab off that shower floor would show under a black light.
2. Catch a firefly
I’d rather catch a cold and stay in bed for two weeks.
3. Toast marshmallows
OK, I tried this last year. True, I used the microwave, but suffice it to say neither my smoke alarms, nor my poor neighbors, have been the same since.
4. Play Charades
I already do this! It’s cute how my kids instantly recognize the gesture of me slicing the air horizontally in front of my throat and then immediately pointing at them, translates loosely to: “You are a dead man. Put the BB gun down. Now. And the firecrackers. And the matches.” I’m really good at this game.
5. Paddle a canoe
Paddle a what? Where? Can’t I just paddle a random neighborhood kid and call it a day?
6. Get up and watch the sunrise
Please. Watch a sunrise? Why? How does this make my summer less frenzied? Would sundown count?
7. Fly a kite
If I had a nickel for every time my husband has told me to do this, I could’ve bought liposuction. (See below.)
8. Eat ice cream
9. Sleep under the stars
Or just sleep, you know, in your bed. Where there are no ticks or risk of bat infestation. At least I hope not. I guess it might be a crapshoot.
10. Skip a stone
I’m just skipping this stupid suggestion.
11. Re-read your favorite book
I’m not reading “Helter Skelter” again! I read it when I was 10, and didn’t sleep for a solid month. My mother threw it down the garbage disposal when she found it under my bed. True story.
12. Eat cotton candy
Or just open up 30 or 40 packets of sugar, spill them onto the table and lick. Same thing but cheaper.
14. Throw a Frisbee
And skip a stone too? That’s a lot of cardio. No.
15. Sip a fruit drink through a straw
Now we’re talking! Optional, but not really: add vanilla vodka.
This is the ideal way to get through the remaining days of summer before school starts.
The remaining 32 days.
Maybe then I’ll have time to paddle that canoe.
Not bloody likely.