Recently, while trolling the aisles of my Nirvana, TJ Maxx, I found a spectacular pair of shoes. You know, the kind Jennifer Lopez wears to the market but, you know, you’ll never ever wear to Polka Sunday at the VFW. They were red and fierce. I snapped a picture and sent it to my daughter. “I love these! What do you think?”
Her: “I’m working.”
Me: “This is more important.”
Her: “As far as I know, you’re not an escort in Vegas. So, no.”
Me: Simmering …
I didn’t get the shoes.
Everyone is very opinionated about things I should and should not wear at my age.
Mostly should not.
I mostly agree.
I realize we want to hang onto our youth with our teeth and both hands, because letting go means we are, you know, old. But girls, we have our pride. So let’s reconsider the chain mail vest when going to Bingo this week.
Also, let’s avoid:
1. Anything bedazzled. Especially if the dazzle is across your behind or boobage area. Especially if the sparkle spells-out “PINK.” Especially if it’s an off-the-shoulder model.
The exception: My bedazzled margarita glass. Always a fashion ‘do.’
2. Decline cleavage. No one ever wants to see a creased and crinkly edition of Wilma and Betty flopping out of a low-cut shirt if you’re over 50. Specifically, your son’s friends.
3. Stillettos. Please. There’s no way with my grandma bunions! Even if I buy them by mistake and twirl around like the Princess Bride after a liter and a half of Asti Spumanti, I reasonably know that I can’t wear heels further than down my hallway and into the bathroom. To throw-up the Asti Spumanti.
4. Teeny, tiny crop tops. Keep your toned abs to yourself. No one cares. Conversely, if they aren’t toned, what’s the point? Just say no to the showing of the belly matinee.
5. Teeny, tiny skirts. You may be in phenomenal physical condition, but skirts that are a few inches from your ovaries just aren’t cute. As my daughter always tells me: “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” Word.
6. The affliction of over-accesorization. Coco Chanel proclaimed: “Before you leave the house, remove one accessory.” If you’re me, this would be orthotics, Spanx or Depends. It just depends. But if you rattle from every appendage, it’s just too much ring-a-ding-ding, child.
7. Peek-a-Boo Lingerie. Who in the hell wants to see your dirty bra strap peeking out from the off-shoulder, sequined, teeny, tiny crop top you’re sporting? The answer is no one, girl. No one.
8. Farmer jeans. In my “hay”-day, I went through my own framer jean phase. But, that was 1979. This is a look-whose-time-has-come-and-gone, unless you’re milking a cow or helping birth a goat. There’s no woman on this planet who can rock farmer jeans and look good. Swear to God.
9. Scrunchies: They should’ve gone by way of the butterfly clip and Aqua Net. There’s a time and a place for these beauties and it’s not out in public. In bed — OK. At the Governor’s Ball — not OK.
So does that leave us all looking like Jessica Fletcher, after she solves her 4,230th murder; crepe-soled shoes, sweater sets and jeans with nine-inch zippers?
As I sit here in my son’s sweatpants and Uggs, wearing a T-shirt with a logo from a school no one I know has ever attended, maybe I don’t know it all.
Maybe the message should be: Look good, feel good?
And, *sigh* I suppose if that means bedazzling your underpants and wearing escort shoes to Bingo night, then,“Just because you can, maybe you should.”
But I can’t. So I won’t.
And remember: stilettos cause grandma bunions. No lie.
Maria Jiunta Heck of West Pittston is a mother of three and a business owner who lives to dissect the minutiae of life. Send Maria an email at email@example.com.