First Posted: 5/8/2015
I just read an intriguing article titled “Top 5 Mom Myths.” The myths of motherhood were probably firmly planted within the housewifery of 1942, but we all know the real truths: despite any facade, motherhood is an exhaustive game of chess and charades.
For instance, a mother may give the illusion of having special powers designed to make her children appear well-adjusted and happy and her husband appear — well — there. But who knows what transpires behind closed doors? She may suffer the same breakdowns we all display with frequency. She may even slap a carton of pre-packaged potatoes into a pot and call them her own, although the shape of the spud-esque concoction resembles the Tupperware container (Note to self: be sure to give those potatoes a quick mash with a fork prior to anyone looking into pot).
I shudder to think what a casual observer would witness should they peep into my windows. They may see me iron fusible tape onto my son’s khakis instead of actually hemming them with, you know, thread. Or throwing his Under Armour into the dryer with a Bounce sheet, instead of washing it. Or put ketchup on spaghetti and call it sauce. Whatever the transparent scene, myths are bred to be disseminated.
Myth 1: A good mother likes her children all the time.
Ha! Obviously, we love our kids to distraction, but even TV matriarch Carol Brady needed a Xanax and spa weekend away from her brood once every sweeps period. We all do. Actually, without Alice, Carol would’ve been institutionalized before the end of the first episode.
Myth 2: A good mom bonds with her children immediately.
Ludicrous. You spend 31 hours trying to force a watermelon through a trap door and then, they plant this Jell-O-covered, screeching human in your arms and all you want is a medicated beverage and an ice pack. Anyone who swears she bonded with her baby immediately following expulsion is a big, fat liar. If God wanted us to attach instantaneously with our newborns, He would’ve had them grow on vines, ready to be picked — like cherry tomatoes.
Myth 3: A good mother balances it all.
I cannot balance my checkbook, let alone my life. There’s no balance to motherhood, so let the mirage cease. The trick to doing it all? Don’t do it all. Just. Say. No. Nowhere in the Mother Manual is it written that you need to be involved in every single child’s activity, every single day. No one will judge you for missing a cheerleading competition. To your face. Say no and save yourself.
Myth 4: A good mother spends a lot of time with her kids, and they like her because of it.
In my house, a mediocre mother leaves her kids the hell alone as much as possible, and they like her because of it. Children reach an age where they do not crave more attention from you. They crave space without you in it. Why do you think my son moved into a box when he was seven? Apparently, even cardboard walls were preferable to him sharing my hemisphere. This goes for spouses, too. When the new washer is delivered, I’m sure my husband will take that box, throw a pillow and a remote in there, and call it a good day.
Myth 5: A good mother belongs to a supportive Mom’s Club.
A good mother needs a supportive Mother’s Vodka & Cranberry Juice Club. We all get it. We need to raise each other up, not yank each other down. If you want to make fake potatoes, make them (Consider hiding the Country Crock container, however). No judgments in the new Millennium Mom’s Club. Let’s shatter those insidious myths. June Cleaver called and wants to come for a visit. She knows she can finally relax in this decade. But that fusible tape, man, that’s golden.
