Recently, one of my good buddies from high school, Paul, posted an intriguing item on Facebook: 10 lies he told his child when she was small enough to not question him.
Hmmm.
I have told my kids so many lies that I couldn’t even attempt to track them all.
That’s bad.
We’ve all done it. It’s Parental Law.
Sometimes we need to fib to our unsuspecting children in order to secure good behavior and instill a dash of fear in the little turds.
Children have zero fear anymore.
Zero.
Listen, I’m not saying to blatantly lie and terrorize them about important things like religion or breakfast cereals but embellishing a fact or two in order to make things go your way is just part of the Parenting for Dummies Manifesto.
Sadly, my children still clearly remember these disturbingly creative fabrications:
1. Yes, spaghetti sauce does come out of a squirt bottle that says ketchup. “Ketchup” is Sanskrit for sauce.
2. Behave in this restaurant or The Man will come out of that kitchen and smack you with his spatula.
3. The tooth fairy and The Elf on the Shelf went to a bar last night and drank too many glasses of Whispering Angel wine. The Tooth Fairy flew into a brick wall and broke her wing. She won’t make it tonight but hopefully, if she doesn’t pass out, she will flutter in tomorrow night. (Read: Mom forgot. Again.)
4. This teaspoon of magic juice will make that belly ache go away in four minutes and you can go to school. (Read: flat ginger ale mixed with a drop of prune juice. Yum.)
5. There most certainly is a Four Paws Canine Camp. Baxter asked to go on vacation and that’s where we sent him. I got a post card. He’s really happy there. He wants to stay forever. He has a girlfriend.
6. Genetically speaking, our family is allergic to alcohol at a young age. Things can go bad really quickly if you drink it before you’re 21. I’m not even kidding. You’ll get a rash all over your face and private area. Now, is that worth a shot and a beer? I didn’t think so.
7. Have I ever lied to you? If I say Toys R Us is closed for the month because of a carbon monoxide leak, I’m totally telling you the truth.
8. Go ahead. Keep crossing your eyes. See what happens. I’ll bet you $100 you won’t get a prom date.
9. No one who ever received a C in Ceramics Class got into college! Now get back to the drawing board and make the best pinch pot this school has ever seen.
10. Clean those ears out or potatoes will grow in there. I don’t know why no other vegetables are candidates for ear growth. All I know is Gramma Plesnar told me this happens and no one has ever questioned that woman. I have seen her butcher a chicken. You just agree with everything she says.
11. Yes, Dawn squirted into the kiddie pool is technically a bath.
And the biggest lie of all?
13. The next four years will be just fine — If I don’t call The Man to go to Washington and hit The Other Man in the head with the spatula.
