Sometimes, my sweet Nancy refers to me as “Little Miss Cranky Pants” and not in a cute, endearing way. Actually, he never calls me anything in a cute, endearing way, unless I’m holding a Weekender bag of Middleswarths.
To be honest, I am cranky. And whenever I state the reason for my annoyance, he always asks: “What DOESN’T make you cranky?” My answer: not much, bro.
I decided to give serious thought to things that legitimately annoy me. I was a little chagrined to find it was a pretty long list. Does this mean I’m a curmudgeon?! A miserable hag who will be the old lady in the neighborhood who throws jelly beans at the squirrels and doesn’t answer her door on Halloween? Probably. I’m halfway there now. In my defense, I was on the toilet for most of Halloween 2018.
Okay, let’s share the list of Maria’s Annoyances and you tell me if I am rightfully aggrieved or am I just being a nasty snake in the grass?
1. Speaking loudly into your phone, in public. On Speaker. IN PUBLIC. I was so infuriated one day at CVS, I told the woman who was bellowing into the phone to stop. I said, “No one in CVS gives a sh&* about your nasty eczema! Hang up!” It’s basic decorum, people! I wish every public establishment would disconnect their WIFI, so no one can use their cell phones. The boundaries of seismic rudeness are gargantuan.
2. This is a very bizarre confession, I know. But, when I’m washing dishes or my face, and the cuffs of my shirt get wet, I am beside myself with annoyance. Isn’t that odd? I must immediately change my shirt because the wet cuffs ruin my day! I feel like maybe I was a victim of waterboarding in a past life.
3. Speaking of clothing … when did it become every designer’s compulsion to add thumb holes to cuffs of shirts and jackets. I understand that if you’re a runner and its winter, this design keeps your hands warm. But if you aren’t an athlete and you’re just sitting in front of your TV watching Dr. Pimple Pooper, you don’t need thumb holes in that sweatshirt. Don’t use them. It’s annoying.
4. Don’t even try to slip into the 15 Items or Less line at Walmart in front of me, girl in the Sponge Bob pajama pants. When I run through Walmart and all I need is a tub of MiraLAX, with a side order of Depends, then race to the Express Line before I see anyone I know, and see you clustering together a massive potpourri of fruits, candies and cigarettes like you were making some kind of weird salad, I will call you out on it. You don’t fool me, Linda. You do not fool me.
5. Pumpkin flavored anything-but-pie. Gross. I can’t deal with the smells of the season. Maybe I have Autumnal Dysmorphia, because when I saw pumpkin flavored Chapstick on display, I threw it down the aisle. Can’t we all just agree that pumpkin is not an awesome addition to everything? Not Fritos, not Kit Kats and not tampons.
6. Bathing suits on display in January. Why? WHY? Apparently, they didn’t read my column about the Keto/Cheeto diet. Get a grip, Target and bring back the ponchos.
7. My annoyance reaches epic proportions when Nancy leaves CNN blaring and exits the house. He does this because he knows “That Voice” makes me break out in hives and democracy. If I hear “the wall” one more time, I will punch my own wall.
I am Little Miss Cranky Pants; there’s no denying it. But I’m Little Miss Cranky Pants holding a Weekender bag of Middleswarths that I will not share. Shoving random hands other than my own in one bag of anything annoys me.
